Self-love after a toxic relationship didn’t come easy for me.
One of the things my ex used to say to me — almost like a warning — was that I’d never find anyone who would love me the way he did. And I always found that funny, because his love hurt more often than it healed.
And this isn’t to say all of it was bad. It wasn’t.
But a lot of it was — more than I was willing to admit while I still had the rose-colored glasses on.
When they finally came off, I had to face a truth I wasn’t prepared for:
My entire idea of love was flawed.
Rebuilding Self-Trust and Choosing Yourself
I’ve never been loved properly. Not by the people who were supposed to love me first.
And when you grow up without that foundation, it becomes very easy to cling to anyone who gives you even a sliver of attention.
That was me for years — clinging, bending, shrinking, hoping someone would finally choose me fully.
When I became pregnant at 17, I remember thinking, “Finally. Someone is going to love me the way I’ve always needed.”
And now, at 36, I can admit how unfair that expectation was.
Our children aren’t here to heal us.
We are supposed to model love, not chase it from them.
But I didn’t know that then.
And honestly, I’m still learning it now.
For most of my life, I’ve been told I’m “too much.”
Too loud. Too bubbly. Too emotional. Too deep. Too thoughtful. Too energetic.
Too me.
So in my relationships — especially my marriage — I morphed into the woman I thought my partner wanted.
I muted the parts of me that were too bright, too soft, too enthusiastic.
But even then, I still wasn’t loved right.
So now, almost two years after separating, I’m standing in this space between healing and hoping.
Not sure if real love is something I’ll experience again, but also not willing to pretend I don’t desire it.
People love to say:
“Love yourself.” “Put yourself first.” “Self-love is the answer.”
But nobody talks about what self love after toxic relationship looks like when you feel deeply unlovable.
So I started small.
I asked myself two questions:
Do I even like myself? Do I trust myself?
At first, both answers were no.
But once I got honest, I realized something powerful:
I actually did like myself.
I just didn’t like the version of me I had been performing for other people.
So I stopped shrinking.
I stopped dimming.
I stopped apologizing for who I am.
And then I started making decisions that aligned with me.
Leaving my marriage was the first real act of self-trust.
Then I admitted I wasn’t happy at my job.
So I changed it.
I moved.
I rebuilt.
And slowly, self love after toxic relationship became less of an idea and more of a practice.
People love to say:
“Love yourself.” “Put yourself first.” “Self-love is the answer.”
But nobody talks about what self love after toxic relationship looks like when you feel deeply unlovable.
So I started small.
I asked myself two questions:
Do I even like myself? Do I trust myself?
At first, both answers were no.
But once I got honest, I realized something powerful:
I actually did like myself.
I just didn’t like the version of me I had been performing for other people.
So I stopped shrinking.
I stopped dimming.
I stopped apologizing for who I am.
And then I started making decisions that aligned with me.
Leaving my marriage was the first real act of self-trust.
Then I admitted I wasn’t happy at my job.
So I changed it.
I moved.
I rebuilt.
And slowly, self love after toxic relationship became less of an idea and more of a practice.
The Kind of Love I’m Preparing For Now
Now I’m learning that real love starts with me.
With trusting myself.
With liking myself.
With showing up fully as who I am.
I’m still figuring it out.
Still learning the language of what I need.
But what I know for sure is this:
I’m no longer preparing for the love I used to accept.
I’m preparing for the love I finally know I deserve.
Share Your Story
What’s one belief about love or self-worth that you’re ready to release?
And what do you want to replace it with?
Drop it in the comments — your story might help someone else feel less alone.
